Grief, Loss, & life transitions

I have advanced training and expertise in grief, loss, and traumatic death. My specialty is providing grief counselling services for the past 9 years utilizing trauma focused therapy which sometimes includes EMDR specific to traumatic grief. Life after loss can be scary, unknown, and challenging. When we lose a loved one to death, our whole world changes overnight, yet western society unfairly expects us to continue on normally. Grief counselling can help people acknowledge their right to grieve and make sense of their circumstances. Grief-focused counselling can help individuals identify their loss history, validate various emotions, and work through complicated grief and unresolved loss. I provide a safe space to process the pain of grief, accept the (unwanted) reality of loss, adjust to the world without your loved one physically present, and find enduring connections. When one learns to integrate loss into their life, they ultimately make meaningful adjustments.

Loss may be death-related or non-death related such as: loss of a job, career, health, marriage, relationship, family system (estrangement), friendship, home/safe housing, community, pet/animal, self-identity, sense of self, or hopes and dreams for the future. Non-death losses are often disenfranchised. This occurs when a person feels their right to grieve is denied by friends, family, community members, and society as a collective whole. This can include: symbolic loss, ambiguous loss, non-finite loss, anticipatory loss, and chronic sorrow. Disenfranchised grief may leave an individual feeling isolated, ashamed, and invalidated. When grief is misunderstood and minimized by others, it can wrongfully reinforce a false belief that the loss is not important, or that one’s grief is not valid. Grief is a long-term process as it is often changing and fluctuating in intensity. Spacing and pacing is important as one integrates the reality of loss, processes the pain of grief, identifies their individual needs, and learns to cope with difficult and unwanted life changes.

Life transitions can mean many different things as this world can present both meaningful and difficult events. At times, even positive life transitions (graduation, job/career, marriage, moving, retirement) can be overwhelming and surprisingly hard to manage. It is important to acknowledge the primary and secondary changes that come with these transitions. Furthermore, to understand how these changes might impact our daily functioning.  

anxiety

Feeling overwhelmed is most often used to describe anxiety. While this is an accurate description, anxiety can also feel crippling, alarming, exhausting, and isolating. Anxiety can present differently for everyone, as anxiety is the body’s natural response to stress. Anxiety is not just an unpleasant feeling, but experienced in many ways: mentally, emotionally, cognitively, socially, behaviorally, and physiologically (body response). Anxiety can feel like your whole system has gone offline, and you do not have control of the switch. Losing power can feel frightening and frustrating. As human beings, we generally like to maintain some sort of order and sense of control in our daily lives. Most people experience some variation of anxiety symptoms throughout their life as their circumstances change. For some, feelings of anxiety may have been a part of their life for so long that they struggle to imagine life without them. For others, anxiety may have taught them to cut off all feelings, denying themselves opportunities to challenge their anxious tendencies and implement coping strategies. Those diagnosed with an anxiety disorder are dealing with much more than daily life stressors. Anxiety disorders often present as excessive anxiety, inability to control worry, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, and many other physical symptoms. Anxiety is very real, and anxiety disorders are complex. Fortunately, there are manageable steps that one can take towards challenging and reducing anxiety symptoms. Together, we can identify the coping strategies that work best for you as you learn the benefits of anxiety management.

Trauma

There are experiences in life so impactful that we feel acutely changed. Life events that instill fear, reinforce helplessness, and that threaten our sense of security. This loss of safety can challenge one’s ability to function in daily tasks, general trust in the world, and overall outlook on life. Trauma is a normal response to an abnormal, shocking, and terrifying experience. It’s natural for human beings to want to avoid pain, whether its physical or emotional, but in doing so one may be denying themselves the opportunity to learn how to transform pain into post-traumatic growth. In a safe environment, together we can carefully explore these difficult parts of your past, face fears, and shift shame into strength, ultimately giving you control and power back in your life. There are many ways to approach trauma work, we will have thorough discussions as to what feels most appropriate for you as you learn, grow, and heal. You are always in control of your counselling. I offer several different types of psychotherapy while consistently practicing Trauma Informed Care. I have completed different levels of trauma training including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), and Ego State interventions.

Depression

Depression can feel like an incapacitating, never-ending cycle of hopelessness. Whether you identify with some signs of depression, self-report many symptoms, or have been diagnosed with a depressive disorder, it is important to consider receiving professional support. Sometimes, a person is depressed, but may not consciously know it; they may experience signs and symptoms without awareness of their feelings. Surprisingly, depression can go undetected for some time. Worrisome signs to watch for include: sleep disturbances, weight loss or gain, loss of energy, inability to concentrate, loss of interest or pleasure, thoughts of death or suicide, prolonged or severe inability to function at home/work/school, intense feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and hopelessness. The common feature of all depressive disorders is the presence of depressed mood (feeling sad, empty, hopeless) combined with cognitive and somatic changes that greatly affect one’s capacity to function in daily life. There are helpful psychological interventions to address and treat depression - Sometimes these interventions are accompanied by the use of medication when deemed appropriate from a trusted physician or psychiatrist. My role is to provide you a safe environment for which you can deal with your complex feelings, rather than avoid them. We will work to address passivity (loss of hope) and gain confidence within yourself to complete tasks (restore activity). A difficult but important part of treating depression is to properly address the deep and ongoing loss of self-esteem. The loss of ones’ former functioning self is not discussed as often as it could be, and it is important to acknowledge the disconnect from oneself. Together, we can work to identify the roots of depression, manage symptoms, challenge unhelpful thoughts, restore your desired functioning, and increase your sense of self.

Guilt/Shame/Unresolved hurt

Guilt may not necessarily be a psychological issue, however, it is important to recognize that guilt can be debilitating. Processing guilt and shame may be an important goal within trauma-focused counselling, grief counselling, or family counselling. I want to recognize this important issue more broadly for those whose counselling needs may differ. Guilty feelings are often unreasonable and formed from unrealistic expectations and false beliefs. One must recognize guilt, honour its meaning, learn to manage, or learn to let it go. If guilt is realistic and reasonable then it's important to acknowledge the truth, learn from it, and ultimately forgive oneself. Shame is an unpleasant emotion that often triggers feelings of distress. One of the most important yet difficult tasks is for one to address their shame. Unresolved shame can potentially lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Shame affects the brain, behavior, sense of self, decision-making, core beliefs, and relationships. Research shows that shame can have detrimental effects on mental health. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge shame, the first step is often the scariest. Unresolved hurt can be damaging, like carrying around an invisible backpack of rocks. Feeling weighed down with emotional pain is taxing. Unresolved hurt may occur in instances when one has felt minimized or denied during a critical time when they needed to be heard. Forgiveness is a healing emotional process that cannot be rushed or forced as it requires intentional work. The emotional impact must be acknowledged and validated, whether it's forgiving yourself or someone else. Recognizing faults, taking responsibility, apologizing, and forgiveness are all necessary for genuine healing.

Attachment issues

From a young age, we quickly establish who are trustworthy people in our lives. It can be devastating when those we believed to be safe and trustworthy are not. Our attachment styles start to develop during infancy. When one experiences early attachment breaches, abuse, trauma, inconsistent caregiving, an unresponsive parent, or any Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), this can have a significant impact on the trajectory of one’s well-being. Attachment patterns are transferable from one generation to the next. Children are taught how to interact and connect with others, as demonstrated to them by their parents and caregivers. Many people may not be aware that their attachment history plays a significant role in shaping how they relate in adult interpersonal relationships, and how they as a parent show up for their children. It can be helpful to understand which attachment style you are to gain more control of your behavioral responses, help strengthen your current relationships, and communicate your needs. Understanding your attachment style can also help you feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and model healthy relationships for your children. 

family conflict

Each family is unique in its approach to handling hardship and change. When difficult and unexpected life events occur, it can be challenging to maintain a solid, intact family unit. I have worked with many families experiencing various conflicts such as estrangement, reconciliation, divorce, re-marriage, and blending of families. I have also worked closely with families experiencing domestic violence, substance abuse issues, and various mental health challenges. Each family structure involves systems and subsystems made of various relationships, roles, and dynamics. It is natural from time to time for problems to occur, and for connections to need mending or repair. The hope for any functional family is that each member is provided space and safety to practice individual autonomy while operating within, and as a part of, the family system. Sometimes, this balance is difficult to achieve, due to complex barriers and outstanding issues. Every family has a unique history, holds its own set of rules, have differing values, and practices traditions and rituals. Each system includes various attachment styles, healthy and unhealthy relationships. Every member has differing responsibilities and multiple role assignments at any given time. I can provide psychoeducation on understanding changes within the family dynamic following a significant life event or unwanted transition. It can be helpful to learn about communication styles, implementation of healthy boundaries, and navigating differences within the same family unit. Some particularly challenging areas within family therapy may include: emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, scapegoating, triangulation, projection, shaming, hostility, role reversal, codependency, reinforcement of unhealthy coping behaviors, allowing the cycle of abuse to continue, and suppressing transgenerational trauma. I hold a special interest in family therapy, as I strongly believe in the long-term benefits of investing in healthy familial relationships. There are numerous family therapy models, theories, techniques, tasks, and interventions. We will apply realistic strategies to support change through manageable steps.